"Shunotes"

While I'm unemployed, I'm living with my boyfriend. I say funny things.

Me: OMG! 'Obese and Pregnant;' If she were a teenager, it would be the trifecta of awesome.

Me: Do you want to take a shower with me?
JD: No, you can go.
Me: Why? You never let me shower alone that fast.
JD: Well, I have to fart. And if you leave, I can fart.
Me: You can stand up and fart and take a shower with me.
JD: I don't want to get up.
Me: You would rather be able to fart alone on the couch than take a shower with me?
JD: I really have to fart!

JD: Are your bits on strike?
Me: No. Why?
JD: I saw strike papers in the garbage.
Me: You were snooping in the garbage?
JD: I keep track of things like the water in the coffee maker and stuff in the garbage.

JD: What are you angry about?
Me: I'm not angry at you.
JD: But you're angry.
Me: I'm angry at my horoscope.
JD: Why?
Me: It hurt my feelings. JD: What did it say?
Me: It said things that hurt my feelings.
JD: Like what?
Me: I can't explain it; it's not reasonable! My horoscope hurt my feelings! This is what happens when I'm falling to the communists!

For real, though, it was super mean. This is the first sentence: "Your plate is full at work, but you seem eager to dig in. Good!" I don't have a job! How rude! It might as well have told me I'm a complete failure at life. And then it added the good just to dig in the fact that I'm not earning any money.

I went to a baby shower this weekend, and the girl sitting next to me was telling a story in which she revealed that she was 29. The ladies at the table all fawned over that telling her she looked 20. We played the baby shower game where you read the little poem and pass the card to the person described in the poem. Well one of them was "pass this to the youngest person" so everyone was like "It's Kimmie! Kim's the youngest!" I politely raised my hand and announced that I was 25.

THESE WOMEN THOUGHT I WAS 30!!!!

After Kim left, maybe 2 or 3 hours later, the women were saying goodbye to her and then turned to me saying she looks 20, ".... but you look 18!" Which is Woman for "I'm sorry we thought you were 30. I know we made you cry on the inside." On the inside and on the outside.

The only redeeming factor is that Kim had adult acne.

Today is supposed to be a lucky day for me. I found a penny. JD found $5.

All I want to do is curl up with ice cream and watch 16 and pregnant.