Read my list of things

Oh my god people read this and enjoy it. I'm not one to embed things and, honestly, it's after 10pm, I'm waking up at 6am, and I'm due to fall to the Communists around 5am, PLUS I'm on the tiny lap top. So fairs to say this person: http://respectmygangsta.blogspot.com/ is polite. I found her through My Internet Friend, Una's blog because I, too, am unemployed and enjoy dinosaurs. She gave me an award. It comes with a picture of cupcakes. I am unable to add it at the moment. I'll describe it to you; there's a box and inside the box are cupcakes with the best sprinkles and then at the bottom is another box and in that box is a boat. (Maybe the cupcakes are fishermen?) And it says I'm supposed to write 10 things that make me happy. I have to pee, so I'm going to be quick.
A). Louise. Like, 90% of the time.
B). JD. Like, 90% of the time.
C). Peeing after really REALLY having to pee.
D). Winning at life, in an argument, in a test of knowledge, in a competition, the Lotto, etc.
E). When you're thinking something must only be happening to you, and then a stranger looks at you and says exactly what you're thinking.
F). Coupons.
G). Time and a half.
H). Water.
I). Remembering something you've been trying to think of for days/someone answering a question you've been asking yourself. I couldn't think of the movie "Remember the Titans" for about 3 days and I finally asked JD, "You know that movie everyone saw in high school about the football team and Hayden Panatier(for reals that's not how she spells it) is the little girl of the white coach who was in Armageddon and he had to share with that famous black actor who isn't Morgan Freeman and that kid hurt his leg right before championships and it's not the movie with Dawson?" He knew what I was talking about. I fucking love that.
J). Finding changes (or more!) on the ground.

I wish I got to share a list of things that make me very unhappy. I suppose that's most of my blog anyway.

Now the story I was going to share anyway:
I was doing my super confidential job today and one of the kids drew hearts at the bottom of their ? and their ! and it reminded me of when I was in the 2nd grade and I did that one day because I saw one of my friends do it. Except I think I did it on a writing test and I dotted EVERY SINGLE i with a heart. My teacher made fun of me in front of the class, told me it was wrong, and that a writing test isn't a Valentine's card. I was scarred for life. Who yells at a 6 year old for dotting her i's with hearts?

One day when I don't have to pee and sleep, I'll tell you about why I used tissues in school.

Mexican's make the best robots

I've been working hard for the money. I would explain, but it's highly confidential.

In other news, I'm grading tests. To even apply for the job, one has to have a college degree. I has a college degree. This is the first time in my life I am using my English degree in a work environment and being paid adequately for it (adequate INDEED).

Why am not I counting the job I had where I produced the company newsletter? Well, 1. I was being paid $8 an hour for that job. 2. I never really used anything educational.

Also, I have been playing We Rule which is just Farmville for the iPhone. If you haven't heard of Farmville, then you probably don't have a Facebook. It's highly addictive.

In conclusion, my brain is dead because my highly confidential job is temporary, so I'm working every day for 4 weeks except 1 Saturday. Some people don't work on the weekends. TIME AND A HALF, PEOPLE! $22.50 AN HOUR I don't get it. What are you doing that you can't work a few hours on Saturday or Sunday? You can earn $720 in 4 days (before taxes) Your dad will have other birthdays! I, unfortunately, will not be working next Saturday. But I worked all this weekend, and will next Sunday and any other day they will let me.

During the training week, a woman in the hallway said this: (paraphrased) I tell the kids they need to stay in school... but what's the point? Look around every one of us has an education and we're all unemployed.

We're getting fat

If you haven't noticed, I haven't been P90Xing. I've been dog walking. And vacuuming.

JD decided he wanted to buy a scale because he's been talking about it for months and last week work brought in food everyday so he ate out all week. We went to Meijer to pick up a scale after eating a BDubs (they have celery, you know). All of the scales were askew and there were less in boxes then there were used. I stepped on one and it said I weighed 141 which made my heart hurt. JD stepped on the same one and said, "165 or 168" and it showed him 173. FAIL. "I don't want to buy the mean one." I stepped on another minus my purse, and it said I weighed 133. "Let's get this one!"

He purchased a mid-grade one and we took it home to weigh ourselves properly. Alone. In the bathroom. Naked. JD's starting weight was 170 (which according to a BMI calculator, says he's overweight. MEN. Pfft being overweight and skinny.) I weighed in unshocking, yet disappointing. I'm going to try again tomorrow and hope for something lower.

Stupid mean scale.

89x reminded me of this

Ican'tbelieveInevertoldyouthisstorybefore.

In college, I met this guy right before the end of the year. That summer I lived in town (in the trailer). We kept in touch an hung out a few times but we never even kissed or held hands or anything datey. He was going on interviews before school started and I offered him to stay in the trailer. He came over and we were watching tv on 2 different couches and he got a phone call. During this phone call he said, "HaHa, no. She's the Big V."

I wish this story continued with me kicking him out right then, um, but I didn't. And it was a horrible and awkward night. IN WHICH HE SNORED. Ok he was real fat. All belly fat, too. And he snored like you wouldn't believe. My roommate worked in a bar so she came home at like 3am. She said she heard it outside. I, of course, ran to her room and told her the whole story. Obviously, I wasn't sleeping because I had been laying next to a truck churning concrete.

Oh, BTW, he tried to get to 3rd base while he thought I was sleeping.
I was in a zen like state to block out the snoring.

I've always had a hard time telling someone to leave. I just shut down and hope they get the message. I'm much better at being the leaver.

Dreams and parentheses

It's official. I'm unemployed in my dreams.

Of course, in those unemployed dreams, I'm driving down the road alone (in the car and on the road) and a promotional van drives by and shoots money out the snout. So, I stop my car, take the keys with me (but leave the door open) and start collecting all the money. While I'm collecting money (which happen to be small bills and all of an older print), I come across a reporter who is documenting the experience. He doesn't want any of the money (I asked) and we find a dead deer at the end of the money trail. He pokes it, and it moves. I pick money off of it. The deer gets up, but it's 2 back feet snap off (money is attached to them.) I take the money and the deer runs off. With my hands filled with money, I worry about my open car door.

After I wake up, worry about my We Rule kingdom, and fall back asleep, I have a dream that I work for a salon that is seated in the office of 2 jobs ago. My phone is on silent and ringing. When I answer it, I don't know the name of the company. There's a bag of catered food on my desk that I walk back to the fridge. When I see my "boss" in the bosses office, she asks if I've seen her drink. I saw no and tell her I'll keep an eye out for it.

Not Martha

I made these today. I made Sweet Chili Lime sauce today. I made salmon, rice, and asparagus for dinner today.

I am le tired.

List of Things to Get (in order)

1. Job
2. $1 off a Grande Soy Butter Bear from Biggby for first day of new job.
3. Upgraded phone
4. That white shirt from H&M I loved but didn't buy when I had the chance (and the money)
5. Quinoa
6. Dinner at Joe's Crab Shack
7. Silver leaf necklace

Combinations

I bought a bike yesterday. I told JD I was interested in buying a bike a while ago and so every time we've gone to Walmart since, he's pushed the bike search. Last night, I reluctantly went with JD to the bike section. There was 1 adult bike on the floor, I didn't have to adjust the seat, it wasn't hideous, and it was less than $100. SOLD!

When I was in college, I had a bike. One night, drunk kids stole it. It was one of those bottom of the barrel moments in life as I did not have a car and suddenly had ZERO transportation. I cried. I drank. A month later, I got a car.
I guess it's not that great of a story.

On the radio they were talking about relationships and a woman called in to say that when she met her husband, he smoked. She didn't like smoking, so he quit for her. He even threw out his cigarettes. "I'm not a smoker, but no one throws away half a brownie."

This woman had 3 sets of twins. That's some sperm! I would have stopped after the 2nd set. I could have been convinced to have a 2nd pregnancy for 1 child after the first set of twins.. but after 4 babies? I'm good.

HOLY SHIT that husband is really fat! Like, Biggest Loser fat. How did they have so much sex?

OMG! I got my free birth control again!! Of course, I don't need any BC after I bought up my prescription 2 months ago. Still. Free vag appointments? Fire up. Especially since I don't have medical insurance.

Keeping up with the Old People

JD's Grandpa: What is his Face Station?
JD's Cousins: ....FaceBOOK?
JD's G: FaceBOOK?? What is it?!
This is where JD's Cousins try and describe Facebook to an 80some year old man who spent 2 hours on YouTube thinking all the videos where his grandson and whose wife calls JD's blog his blob.
JD's G: WHAT THE HELL IS A TWITTER?

Me: I think you're hoarding these oranges.
JD: I'm gonna cut them open tomorrow.
Me: You bought these back when I still had a job.
JD: I never said they were new.

TV is ruining your children

I had Cartoon Network on and they ran an ad for "Spring Break O 10"

Really?

Maybe you're wondering why I was watching Cartoon Network since I pretty much swore it off in 2005. Maybe the answer is because the adoptive mom was on the Teen Mom reunion with Dr. Drew and she makes me cry. Plus, nothing else is on!

So here are some inside jokes between me and the BF:
JD: I'm gonna have to turn the air conditioning on so we can close the windows and judge the neighbors without them hearing.

Me: You remember that movie Operation Dumbo?
JD: Yes! Shu, you've asked me this 50 times. It's Operation Dumbo Drop.
Me: Ohhh Yeaaaah. I never remember the name.
JD: And No. I haven't seen it yet.
Me: .. Yet? You haven't seen it yet? Like it's on your list. Right after 2012 and Public Enemies: Operation Dumbo Drop!

Let's got for a stroll in our bikinis

JD wants me to blog. Everyday. When I don't because I was busy vacuuming every carpeted area in his 3 bedroom house, cleaning every toilet is his 2.5 bathroom house, walking each dog for an adequate amount of time so they stop being so batshit, or accidentally watching 2 hours of Cold Case because I forgot to turn the TV off when the first episode ended THEN he tries to tell me what to blog about.

JD: write about this new flashlight I bought you!

"This new flashlight [he] bought [me]" was a free rape light he got for purchasing a real flashlight.

More importantly, it's hot today and the floozies are afoot.

Kind of.

There is a path behind JD's house and you can see it from every window. This afternoon, 4 teenage girls were rollerblading in 2 inch shorts, tank tops, jazzy tall socks, and penises draped over their vaginas. Bein' all loud and prostitutey while I'm trying to do my yoga belly 7. When JD rode past on his motorcycle, they waved and giggled at him. WAVED AND GIGGLED. They might as well have ripped off their American Eagle shorts flopped around on their backs.

I wasn't super cute in high school. Let's just say strangers weren't envious of my youthful beauty. I spun a flag in a >50 person marching band and ate chocolate frosting people off my fingers on the weekends. I didn't own shorts. 1. because my mom required they have a 6inch inseam 2. because they didn't make shorts that long in 2000 3. because even if bermuda shorts could be found in the juniors section at Kohls, I was too fat for them.

If I want to judge hot barely legal teens rollerblading on the path, I will do so. From the comfort of the couch, and then my car later on because we saw them again on the way to dinner.

Hussies.