As heard on Dr. Phil

I would just like to say that teenagers who soak tampons in vodka or give themselves beer enemas... if they die... oh well. Just clearin' the path for someone who might actually cure cancer.

I quit my job. I have never been so relieved.

I start my new job Monday. I have been more scared, will less riding on my ability to do well.

I love my boyfriend.

My dog's breath smells.

(But I love her, too)

Caramel Bear

Things women do better than men:
They’re better managers in this economy. Better multi-taskers, better listeners, better organizers, etc.
Women live longer
Stronger immune systems
Women eat healthier foods
Women graduate college more often and quicker than men
More recession-proof (more men are losing their jobs than women)
Better at getting comfort. Women talk to their friends about what’s bothering them
Survive car accidents more often than men
Women evolve to be more attractive
(taken from 89x who took it from something online, I'm sure.)

Have I mentioned that I hate it when people say, "what are you going to do?" after you tell them something with static results. "I got laid off" "What are you going to do?" I think that question should actually be: "What am I going to do with you?" because, really, that's what they're sayin'. No one cares what you're actually going to do, or how it's actually going to affect you. They care how it's going to affect them.

2 days worth

(taken from 89X listeners)
Things women think are sexy but actually aren’t:
Strip tease – unless you’re an amazing dancer and have a hot body (chances are there’s a reason you’re not doing it professionally)
Balls in your mouth
Steve Bouchemey
Biting hard
Food (whip cream, cherries, etc)
Fishnet stockings
Painted on eyebrows
To much makeup
Lipstick, lip gloss
Colored contacts
Fake things: hair, nails, colors, speech (saying things from movies in romantic moments), tan
Wearing clothes that don’t fit
No underpants

Things men think are sexy that aren’t:
Driving without a shirt on
Cutting the sleeves off of a shirt
Using a “sexy voice” over the phone
Clothes that are too baggy or too tight, being able to see a bulge, being able to see their man boobs
Biting
Dirty talk (sometimes)
Calling a woman “mommie”
Popped collars
Tongue in ear
Penis dancing
Full face, long beards, just the mustache
The soul patch
Licking eye balls

Good things:
Coffee
The huge plagiarism project being easy as opposed to difficult.
My boyfriend.
11.5 oz.s of coffee for $2.50
Taking the time to double check something before asking someone else thus solving my own problem.
The guy next door leaving me candy.

Medium things:
Having lots to do at work (good), but not enough time to do all of it (not good).
Things happening for a reason.

Bad things:
People who don’t double check things before asking you thus making you (unrelated 3rd party) do the grunt work for their lazy ass.
Figuring it would be easier to plagiarize a driving form instead of searching for it cheaper on the internet.
One time at work I was in the bathroom and I heard the bell that someone was here. When I got out of the bathroom, the guy was still there and the only other coworker in the office was sitting at his desk (approx. 10 feet from the door). I asked the guy if he had been helped, he said no, so I talked to him. I hate how my coworker will ignore guests when he feels like it, and other times I’ll be talking to a salesman and just about to get rid of him, when my coworker shows up and basically repeats everything I just said to him. Unnecessary.
The phone rang 3 times, before I answered it which shouldn’t happen with 3 people working. No other line was lit up. Jen complained that Suzie was dicking around checking her personal email and texting; Jen said she was on the phone. Since no other lines were lit up, she was on her cell. Oh my.

9:07am (at work, internal monologue): Man I really want some tacos… volcano nachos! I think I smell tacos and that’s why I want tacos. Why would I suddenly smell tacos? What is the essence of the taco smell? Fresh lettuce and tomatoes with cilantro. Cilantro? Or is it salsa? Combination.

I do honestly believe everything happens for a reason. I do honestly get frustrated when reason has more patience than I do.

Dear Universe...

I read one of my friend's statuses on Facebook that said he was deleting all the negative things and focusing on the positive. I thought, "that's a good idea" and others agreed by responding to his status. They all sounded very happy. So, I thought I would only post positive things into a universe-ish blog. And that explains the lapse. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but I just have so little good things that they are squashed down and minimalized even more by the growing negative facts.

So, fuck it. Life is all about balance anyway.

Good things:
"Dear guy with a camper.... go eat a dick."
"If you had told me at 10 I wasn't going to be eating this hot dog until 3, I would have told you to go f- yourself."
"Coffee is like breakfast beer."
My wonderful boyfriend
Hot Doug's
The morbidly obese on TV
Mashed potatoes
Food Network

I cannot possibly say enough nice things to describe my experience at Hot Dougs in Chicago. My boyfriend was amazing. The place was amazing. The food was amazing. IRL Doug was amazing. I could not have asked for more.

Bad things:
My dog caught a baby bunny yesterday and I had to hear the baby bunny scream. It was horrible.
My brother got laid off. Again.
My parents will finalize their divorce around my birthday. As. Per. Usual.
Haven't had a job call me in over a month.
Having ideas for things without having the money to actualize them.

So, Dear Universe,
Figure it out. Please. Thanks,
Me.