Letters to the Editors

Dear Dole,
"Classic Romaine" is not a wine. Noting that it pairs well with oregano and feta cheese is unnecessary. It is a bag of lettuce. It pairs well with diets and 900 calories worth of taco stuffing. You are neither fooling nor impressing me.
Regards,
AO

Dear iTunes,
I know I had my identity stolen and I forgot and tried to buy something from you with a canceled credit card, I admit; it was a minor lapse of judgement. I am deeply sorry. I appreciate the precautions you've established to assure that it is me trying to purchase that song I heard on "Acoustic Cafe" and not a Jewish single, however, I doubt my next identity thiever will want to hack into my We Rule account to harvest my cauliflower and deliver those magic broomsticks. I've been understanding through the process, but I feel it is time to stop making me enter my iTunes password every time I want to play.
Your loyal customer,
AO

Dear Girl Who Sits Next to Me at Work,
Bragging about how you frequently ignore the "no cell phone" policy at work stoped being awesome 7 birthdays ago. I hope you get caught and they kick you out for the last 3 days of the project.
(Karma Cap),
Girl Who Sits Next to You

Dear Grapes,
I think you're making my poops weird. I might not eating you for a while. No offence.
Much love,
AO