May or may not

It's been a while. I'm back to being unemployed and life isn't as entertaining when it's wake up, drink coffee, eat breakfast, walk dog, walk other dog, waste some time, eat lunch, take a shower, watch HIMYM, waste time, kiss boyfriend, make/eat dinner, waste time, work out, shower, watch tv go to bed.

I have several bug bites on my foot and it keeps me awake at night.

The other day, I met the neighbors, and they started the idea of "what would your Jeopardy background information be?" I can't think of a good one. "And now, AO, what's interesting about you is that you've been unemployed for quite some time now. You trained your dog? Good for you!"

Ugh, I feel super fat. So, here are some pictures of the kids.

If my tummy could be making a face right now, it would be frowning

I'm having taco remorse, but throughout the day I've thought of topics that I have an opinion on.

1st:
I walked into the phone store today to get my new phone and the guy greeted me as sweetie. Very presumptuous. I didn't respond. My usual reaction when strangers say or do things to me that I don't feel are acceptable. He changed his course.

2nd:
So, Michigan won Miss USA. Fabulous. Then the pictures come out of her in a pole dancing contest for a local radio station. She was fully dressed. Why was this important? Why are people so surprised when beautiful woman turn out to be in pole dancing contests? Photographed making out with other chicks? Taking nude or otherwise racy portraits? They're gorgeous! If I looked like that I would ONLY be photographed topless. No one is perfect. Miss USA isn't a prude. Miss MI probably wasn't a virgin, either. Let's keep it real people.

3rd:
I watched a bit of True Life today where 2 engaged couples decided not to have sex in their relationship before marriage. I'm all for others doing as they please sexually and religiously. What makes my brow furrow is when they say things like "we decided not to kiss to assure that we wouldn't be tempted to do other things." If you don't want to have sex, you don't have sex. Saying kissing leads to sex is like saying getting in my car leads to Australia. My car can drive me to an airport which can then fly me to some countries, eventually stopping in the land down under, but there are many places to stop, many places to change my mind. Just because I got in my car, doesn't mean I have to go to Australia. Based on their theory, holding hands leads to marriage. Boy meets girl, boy and girl holds hand but never kiss, boy marries girl. I've seen it. Twice on TV alone.

Perhaps this post would have been better had I written it earlier when there wasn't a 7-layer burrito with gross rice sitting in my tummy bragging about its calories to my ab muscles.

Fabulous Day

I believe I've gotten my 4th pair of free underpants from VS today. It might be the 5th, but I'm not sure.

I had a wonderful day today. It started with sinus headaches and skipping work. I walked one of the dogs. I ate an egg sandwich. JD came home feeling ill. After he took a nap and I made me lunch, we went to the mall. Got free underpants, Frapuccinos, a scrub brush, free popcorn covered in chocolate, a trailer, a steamer, some on sale cereal, and lots of cheap produce. I made an appointment with a psychic for this Friday. I talked to my mom on the phone.

I figured I would mention when my life is neither humorous/embarrassing nor sucky.

Lonely observations

I would like to start this with a disclaimer.
I have nothing against the Duggars. I have been watching their show and their children for many years now, and they keep bringing me back for more. I think their children are beautiful, attractive, kind, decent adults, teenagers, younger people, human beings. Though I don't support their religious, spiritual, or wooing preferences, they drink Starbucks, focus on education, love a good deal, and work hard. I can get behind those things. I am not teasing, mocking, or joshing about preemies. It must be heartbreaking. It must be terrible. It must be so unbearable and retching. My mom's prayers go out to them.

Ok?

Did you see the Josie comes home episode?




She looks like an alien! Maybe preemies look like that because of their short development in the womb. But my guess is Mrs. Duggars Fallopian tubes have run out of quality eggs.



... Karma cap

Things my boyfriend is mad about/hates

1. Gorton's fish sticks
2. The cheap gas station that was "shooting gas all over the place"
3. His dog
4. His dog's cage
5. The bitch with the stupid dog
6. Work
7. His manager at work
8. His co-workers at work
9. The internet router configuration
10. The fact that I am not working tomorrow because I failed my test and therefore he has to feel bad about going up north and leaving me with the dogs alone instead of feeling bad that he left me with a 10 hour work day and 2 dogs to care for. Alone. Again.

I'll provide you with my list tomorrow when I'm angry that my boyfriend left me, ditched our plans, I have to deal with 2 dogs, and clean the house. Alone. Again.

I'll miss Greg and his tater tots

I may or my have found a grey hair. I may or may not be pretending it is a blonde hair and that the gods have gifted me with natural highlights that aren't fire engine red.

I definitely did walk all the way from the bathroom to my station at work with toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Karma repaying me for seeing someone else do it, and not telling them.

At work, all I do is sit in a chair for approx. 6 or 7 hours. I think it gives me travel vagina. I always feel so gross when I get home. Or maybe it's the idea of only using a public bathroom for those hours that makes my vag nervous. My first project is over and I've been moved to a second project. For now. I still have to pass the tests to qualify. There are 3 total and I didn't pass the first one--but I may not have failed. I find out tomorrow if I'm employed for another 7 days or if I'm back to dog sitting and cooking.

I do not endorse these:

I had a coupon, and I have another I will not be using. As a baker, I should know that just adding water and a packet of caramel sauce does not a molten caramel cake make. Although, I thought I was eating a brownie, and now I see that is it cake. Part user error, part sucky cake-in-a-bowl

I do not endorse this:

I had high expectations for this book. I heard about it a lot. I read a small pleasant review of it in a book I was reading. Had I seen it up close in a store, and not just hastily purchased it off Amazon while I was alone one night and feeling spendy, I would not have paid for it. I would have taken 10 minutes and read it in the store. It is ok. If you were born in the 1930's and enjoy poorly drawn stick figures depicting commonly worn outfits and the awkwardly personal details associated with them, then you'll probably enjoy this book. If you were expecting a sassy narration that focused on decades later than the 1970's and had juicy details about love and/or loss, you will be sorely disappointed.

I do endorse this:

I bought it on a whim because Amazon said it was commonly purchased with another book I bought, Someone Will Be With You Shortly by Lisa Kogan. I have been a big fan of hers from O Magazine, but the book is mostly her articles from the magazine. I'm Sorry You Feel That Way is a nice memoir about a woman and her men. She provides wonderful characterization. Or, at least, the kind that I like. The kind that is mostly someone's actions rather than their words or their appearance, although she includes both for support. I'm not done with it, but I have greatly enjoyed the bits I have read.

Imaginary conversations I have with myself

... or things I didn't have the balls to say at the time that sound kiss ass now.

(at work)
After a conversation in which Girl R says that she's thinking about quitting her job to commit herself to looking for something better, Girl Who Sits Next to Me at Work tells her she should because she'll probably find a job within a month, and me and Girl C shake our heads no and tell our unemployment stories. I should mention that GWSNTMAW may only be 22 and is a recent college graduate who was accepted into a PhD program with a fellowship she starts in August. She has also been working part time at the same deli since she was 18.
And SCENE
GWSNTMAW: What did you plan on doing with your degree?
Me: Fuck off. I'm sure you "plan" on getting tenure at your college of choice teaching 400 level British Literature after you finish school. What happens when no one will hire you and you have to teach English 101 at the local community college? What are you going to say when people ask you "Well, what did you plan on doing with your degree?" I planned on getting a full time job that paid a living wage and then saving enough and paying off enough of my student loans to feel financially secure in going back to school for a Masters in something that paid more than English. Look around, sweet pea, everyone here has an education, and none of us can find decent jobs. You're young, and smart, and you got lucky. Don't be such an asshole. And turn off your fucking cell phone; Pre-Doctorates don't sext their boyfriends from work.
END

The lady is a vamp

Tonight, JD took me to a restaurant so fancy, they wouldn't give us a table, and we had to sit at the bar. It's prom night, and gaggles of teenage girls were running in and out of the bathroom.
Me: Girls bathrooms have couches.
JD: If there was a couch in the men's bathroom, it would be peed on.

So, I gave in and saw Twlight 1. It was free. I have this thing where people being embarrassed, or hurt, or feeling awkward makes me feel bad. I have to close my eyes. I almost cried in the first 45 minutes of the movie because those kids were making me so uncomfortable. I get it, though. As dumb as I think vampires are, I get it. I may or may not have enjoyed the movie. I enjoyed the protector aspect. The fantasy. If this had been popular my sophomore year in college, I may have ended up a Twi-tard. Luckily, I was too busy eating canisters of Lay's Stax-Mesquite BBQ potato chips and One Sweet Whirled ice cream alone in my dorm room watching Mad About You reruns. I wouldn't have had time for Stephanie Meyers.

We rented Twilight 2 tonight (for free!) and the Native American dude turns into a werewolf. (LBR, people, if you didn't know the tan kid is a wolf, you're unlikely to care that I spoiled it.) Now, I feel like I have enough knowledge to pick a side. Team Edward or Team Jakob? I pick Alice. Edward is an asshole coward. Jakob is controlling and potentially violent. Alice, on the otherhand, is caring, polite, decent, and psychic. I'll see the 3rd movie. If I'm ever bedridden, I'll read the books. I'm sure the books are better than the movies. There were too many parts of the movies that seemed to be designed for people who know intricate details of the books.

I was so proud of myself for knowing that was Dakota Fanning.

On the radio, a woman emailed asking should she break up with some guy because he owns and has read all the Twilight books. It got me thinking, book snob that I am, is there a book or author that I could see at a man's house that would turn me off? The answer is Anne Rice. Now, there are lots of books and authors that I wouldn't admit to having owned or read, but none makes me as edgy as Anne Rice. I haven't read Twilight, so I can't gage how odd it would be for a straight man to enjoy it. I did try to read Anne Rice in junior high. I didn't make it very far. Anne Rice is worse than Sci-Fi. I could deal with the Lord of the Rings series. At least he reads, you know?. Comic books... ehhh I saw V for Vendetta and Sin City. It's not my thing, but it's a guy thing. But if he reads Anne Rice, he probably has a real sword or specially made fangs, and I'm sorry, but I am too old to date a man who owns a real sword (unless he is in some sort of Scottish Freemasons club) or specially made false teeth (no buts).

But, if we're picking werewolf or vampire, I pick vampire. They don't maul you!

Letters to the Editors

Dear Dole,
"Classic Romaine" is not a wine. Noting that it pairs well with oregano and feta cheese is unnecessary. It is a bag of lettuce. It pairs well with diets and 900 calories worth of taco stuffing. You are neither fooling nor impressing me.
Regards,
AO

Dear iTunes,
I know I had my identity stolen and I forgot and tried to buy something from you with a canceled credit card, I admit; it was a minor lapse of judgement. I am deeply sorry. I appreciate the precautions you've established to assure that it is me trying to purchase that song I heard on "Acoustic Cafe" and not a Jewish single, however, I doubt my next identity thiever will want to hack into my We Rule account to harvest my cauliflower and deliver those magic broomsticks. I've been understanding through the process, but I feel it is time to stop making me enter my iTunes password every time I want to play.
Your loyal customer,
AO

Dear Girl Who Sits Next to Me at Work,
Bragging about how you frequently ignore the "no cell phone" policy at work stoped being awesome 7 birthdays ago. I hope you get caught and they kick you out for the last 3 days of the project.
(Karma Cap),
Girl Who Sits Next to You

Dear Grapes,
I think you're making my poops weird. I might not eating you for a while. No offence.
Much love,
AO