RIP Shoes

I do not endorse this:

This ate my good shoe. My cute, neutral toned, pointy toed sling backs. They looked good. They made my legs look good. They went with black and brown. They were easily worn with skirts. They were my interview shoes. I got them second hand from Plato's Closet for cheap and everytime I wore them, women gave me compliments. WOMEN gave ME compliments on something I was WEARING. Which almost never happens to me because I don't own anything nice. A moment of silence, please, for my shoe.

Thank you.

Dear Universe,
It's about time you threw a job my way. To show how ready I am for this said job, here are a list of things I will be purchasing with the money I make from my new job:
1. New running shoes. Mine are old and worn and hurting my feet. Plus it's only a matter of time before Radar (which I just now realized is spelled the same frontwards and back) chews what little life they have left.
2. Dinner out.
3. New neutral toned, pointy toed, slingbacks.
4. A Passport.
5. Candles.
6. Enough Starbucks to get the stars required to be a Gold Member. Unnecessary? Yes. Mildly shameful? Yes. Challenge accepted.
7. Produce from the local farmer's market.

So, Universe, as you can see I am prepared.

In waiting,
AO

When your kid gifts you with an ugly rock they found and then painted

Tagen has been following me around all afternoon. She lays underneath the coffee table while I'm on the couch. She lays next to the sink while I'm in the kitchen. She lays under JD's work desk while I pee. She won't leave me alone which is very odd for her. I'm pretty sure this means 1 (or more) of4 things.
1. Natural disaster. Animals always know first, right?
2. I'm going to die. Just like that death cat at the nursing home, Tagen is going to steal my soul when it leaves my body.
3. She is sick and doesn't want to die alone.
4. She knows she'll be vacationing at grandmas next week.
Hopefully this behavior ends tonight. She's freaking me out.


After 2 days of sitting in the fridge and judging me everytime I opened the door, I used the fondant. I debated between throwing it out, eating it straight from the plastic wrap, and leaving it in there until the next purge, but eventually balled up and made a freaking cake.

Cake: half a box of FunFetti

Frosting: left over Betty Crocker Chocolate Buttercream, nuked for 14 seconds to soften, only on top tier because I got nervous.

Decorations: Junior Mints and Sweedish Fish.

Food Network Challenge: Cakes has an amateur division... right?

Self-endorsement

I'm a cautious person. I do dry runs before interviews. I wear a safety badge, often, and proud. However, sometimes an activity comes up that I talk myself into. No knowledge. No preparation. It's usually a challenge, and therefore I pick the easy, idiot proof, internet version. This has, on occasion, worked out well for me. More often than not, though, it is usually a big mistake.

Enter Marshmallow Fondant.

I do not endorse this:

As a child, I remember always wanting to make rice krispie treats. My mom would tell me that she would buy the stuff, but I would have to clean the dishes. I think I made it twice. The first time, I noticed that marshmallows are pretty much satan. The second time happened because I had forgotten that I promised myself I would never make anything that required me to wash a bowl that had once contained melted marshmallows. I won't even eat a rice krispie treat anymore.

I wanted to make fondant and I found an "easy idiot proof" recipe which I tried to make. Since I have no idea what findant is supposed to look like, and I didn't follow the directions, 2/3rds of the way through, I looked up a video for it up on the internet. I had done everything wrong. Never. Again.

I do endorse this:
Smells great. Smells all over the room. Love.

I do not endorse this:

I like chipotle. I like a medium form of heat. I love mayo. I'm glad I got a small sample for free instead of buying a bottle of it. I have chipotle in the fridge; this is not chipotle. It is taco seasoning in reduced fat mayo. Do not bother.

All Radar, all the time.

OH my god a 40 year old woman, with 2 kids, DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT. No one is safe!

nom nom nom

She's being a funny girl today. Funny -slash- crazy. It started raining so I had to move my fan.

Thanks for putting the fan on the floor for me, Aunt Shapes.

A few days ago, for no reason, Radar took a seat on the tent bag. Since then, I have been trying to get a picture of it because it's just so damn funny.

This is such a great chair

Butterfly in China and stuff

Oh my. I probably shouldn't leave that blog up.

I miss Britney and Justin. Don't you? She had so much going for her. It's one of those things where you wonder how your life would be different if you had stayed together. If Justin and Britney had made it, would we know Dick in a Box? Would K-Fed have been on VH1's Celebrity Fit Camp? Would anyone remember Moesha wsa a TV show had Char Jackson not been involved with Britney? Would anyone have been able to bring Sexy Back?

I realize Britney and Justin broke up 8 years ago and that it is no longer relevant. But you would be thinking about it, too, if you had just watched the Biography on Britney Spears.

So, anyway, here are some pictures of the kids so you don't feel like you've wasted the last 15 minutes.

Happy girl!

I am a fabulous watch dog.

Not a blank page

I have no interest in walking the dogs today. I wish it would rain so I wouldn't feel so guilty.

It is unfortunate that blogger won't let me paste, beacuse I just wrote the best "hire me, I have no experience" cover letters ever.

Oh my gosh I don't actually have anything to say. I would have deleted all of this, but while trying to paste, I accidentally posted and don't feel like trying to delete it.

I've been thinking...

School is out or has been having half days and I notice a lot more tweeners on my dog walks. The other day, I came upon 4 boys most likely under the age of 16. They all had black socks on. One boy was wearing tiny girl black socks with man sandles. One boy was wearing only black socks. The other 2 were wearing crew cut black socks with their tennis shoes. Is this a teenage boy thing? When my brother was in high school, the cool thing was to wear several shirts at once. Maybe this is just was teenage boys do. Or maybe this is what teenage boys' moms do because black socks hide dirt better.

On Facebook, I came across this comment someone posted to my friend's status:
It was my parents 29th anniversary this year, too!!! Isn't it great to have parents that are still happily together? =)
And since I cannot respond to this comment without sounding like a total bitch, this is what I would like to say:
OMG! It was my parents 29th anniversary (5 years ago), too!!! Isn't it great to know in just a few years they could get a divorce like mine did? =)

I mean... that's totally appropriate, right?

Living room

JD and I are going camping. Neither one of us had any camping things, so JD bought a tent online. It was uber windy today, and he decided to set it up in the living room. It was actually really easy; it's some sort of "60 second setup" where it's all already attached you just click everything in place like an umbrella.

Tagen does not like loud noises, or really anything new that doesn't involve a snack. She hid under my skirt.

Mom, protect me!

Here is the tent fully set up:

Does this make us red necks?

Tagen had some doggy beer to relax once the tent was taken down

Where was Radar? Outside or in her cage because she is a jumper and a shark mouth and wasn't allowed near the new tent. Did I ever tell the story about how I don't like dogs looking at me while I'm eating? I don't like anyone looking at me while I'm eating, but I cannot stand it when a dog stares at your plate or gets their nose right up in your face to smell your food. It disgusts me. I trained Tagen to get in a spot, and she does pretty well, although you do have to remind her. Radar, however, is still new and doesn't get it. She loves to sit behind the couch so I dubbed that her spot. While I'm eating on the couch, she must go to her spot, and when she gets there (and stays there), she gets a snack. She is a very smart dog, and quickly learned (at least with me) to go behind the couch while I'm eating. However, instead of laying down like a good girl like she used to do, she now waits for you to drop food back there.

Like this:

Guys? Guys, are you gonna eat all those chips?

As frustrating as she tends to be, she is quite a funny girl.

LOVE ME

"The reason awful people so often get their way is because they are willing to do things decent people wouldn't dream of"

I've always wanted to be one of those people who can win an argument. Or an angry contest. Instead, any time I have encountered unpleasant people, I've dubbed them crazy and pretended they didn't exist.

Unpleasant people I've been unable to avoid, I've stewed in civility, dreaming of a moment where I would say the cutting retort that would offend them on a personal level so strong, they would have to give me the upper hand and all unpleasantness would be gone. Unfortunately, I usually just get mad and go away with my tail between my legs.

Just once I would like to come up with a proper response that is both classy and shuts down the other person a-la Emily Post. Whenever I have been able to shut someone up, they never walk away introspectively thinking that they are terrible people. No, whenever I stick up for myself, it gets me in more trouble. Like the bully who has been exposed to the whole class, he always comes back angrier and crazier.

I also am not able to be classy on my toes. When things happen that I think are utterly inappropriate in the situation, I cannot diffuse the situation. I am an observer. All I can do is take notes and be as dramatic in my retelling as possible.

Lisa Kogan says she collects "slights, insults, and snarky remarks" the more I think about it, the more I want to write a book of them. Every one loves someone elses car crash. Usually I can recall an event in detail for about 3 days. After that, I can only remember the tipping point.

Ok. It doesn't take much to make me cry. If someone on TV is crying, that can make me cry. Thinking about crying can make me cry. This interview on Sunday Morning where Magic Johnson retired from basketball because of HIV and Larry Bird called him first is making me tear up. Sometimes the dog looks so cute and I love her so much my little ducts start welling. But I can hold it back and blow things off for (a documented) 1.5 days. It's easy for people to get to me because I operate on a system of balance and decency. When someone does something shitty I just want to ask, "who raised you?!" Just once I would like to have a come back. Just once I would like to say "Well, I'm rich and fabulous. You're sad. I pity you." AND THEN HAVE IT CRUSH THEIR WORLD! Instead, I'll just have to keep walking and hope this high road goes somewhere.

Dog stories

Fancy breakfast

Several week ago, JD bought cheese filled smokey links. The fat girl inside me squealed with glee.

Radar ran away. But only for like, the time it took me to run to the snack cabinet, grab her bone, walk across the street barefoot, and wait for her to show up to get snacks.

It started with a bad idea and ruckus ensued. Radar went to the back yard to chew her stick. Tagen had to pee. I took my chances and got a leash. BAD IDEA. Radar saw the leash, thought Tagen was going for a walk, started flipping out. Tagen and I went out the front door. The noise of Radar stirred JD upstairs to come down and let her in right around the time I realized Tagen had no intention of peeing on the front lawn, and walked inside myself to bring Radar in. Radar made a run for us at the door, Tagen backed up into the door, proping it open. Radar pushed Tagen over, and ran.

oy.

Of course, right now Tagen is in her area fast alseep curled into a ball with her head squished up against the speaker. Radar, is holding the pantry door hostage because it's as close as she can get to her new high performance food.

Must wait for nummies

No, MOM, I don't want any TANG!

Tempurpediac

I had stuff to say... right?

Our weather today is, and I quote, "mostly sunny, fabulous" OK maybe not fabulous. But I forgot the word they did use because I was yelling at Radar to get out of my face.

Radar hasn't been eating. Eventually my safety badgering (but really just JD reading the website I sent him backing up my information) convinced JD to buy different dog food that she would eat. Well, she eats it and loves it and is now full of energy.
"I should go back to starving you" JD said while Radar was vertically jumping up to lick his face.

Remember when I was in college and I used to grocery shop alone and watch what everyone else was buying? Well, a woman at the store yesterday had the following in her cart:
1 can of men's Barbasol
2 full sized bottles of Scope
3 packages of women's disposable razors
4 cases of canned cat food

How curious!

Observation

To: Miley Cyrus
From: AO
Subject: Can't be tamed?

Dear Miley,
You're not wild. You're 17. Put some pants on.
Love,
AO

can only be filled with strawberries and a bag of frosting

This morning, I weighted myself and I was 2 pounds less than I was last week. This is, of course, after 5 full days of walking or running each dog (usually taking about 1.5-2 hours total) in the morning and doing P90X at night. Plus, it's been hot; I've been sweating. I managed 1 week! My only other goal is to do it another full week.

Zumba. I did Zumba once, in college with my roommate, and was greatly disappointed. It was a packed room and I think we were just going off a DVD. I didn't sweat at all and never got out of breath. But we each got water bottles which we drank booze out of that evening!

I was going to post a photo of Adriana Lima and her husband because I just saw them with their new baby and everyone is gorgeous. However, her husband (a basketball [???] player) looks like a total idiot in every photo. She's making sex eyes at the camera, his eyes look like he was 11 into a 12 pack. She's pouting seductively or smiling, and he has a mustache.

Epic Fail.

The last several nights, I've had failure dreams. My mission is to complete a project, assignment, test, try-out. I always fail. Either I can't read the directions, everyone else is just faster than me, or I'm not even given the chance to compete. My dreams are starting to make me feel bad about myself.

I just watched Christina A's new video. It made me uncomfortable. Not the bondage parts, the parts with the auto tune, and the parts where I wasn't sure if I was watched Lady Gaga or Britney Spears. Xtina... you have a kid now. The vagina portion of your leather leotard is bedazzled. Look around. You're better than this!

Train... the band. Remember Train? They were popular around 2000-2001. They're still pushin it out. Their bassist looks just like Howie Mandel. Anyway, can you tell I'm watching JumpStart on VH1? Justin Bieber is on Today this morning, and it's a bit too early for screaming girls. Actually, I don't believe any amount of coffee suffices as "enough" to listen to screaming girls.

OH MY GOD VH1 just listed "Hanson" under coming releases! I LOVED Hanson when I was 12. I wanted to marry the drummer. Upon further Googling, he didn't end up as cute as I had hoped. Weren't they part of one of those religious groups who don't believe in birth control, home school their kids, and don't kiss until the wedding day?

"AO, welcome to Jeopardy! It says here, the other day you encountered a HUGE turtle on the path while walking your boyfriend's dog. Is that true?" "Thank you, Alex, and yes; Radar and I did run into a turtle on the path! And we almost ran over a snake on the bridge!" ... "Ok well... good luck today!"

Just like Pam Houston and Lorrie Moore, right?

A.
-------------------
You know how sometimes you haven't talked to someone in a while and you start to wonder why? Then they Facebook message you to get together, and it's been so long you think it's a great idea. So you say yes and talk yourself into being excited. You're going to the movies, how bad could it be? Of course, 3 days after you ask them an important question like... oh... 'where are we meeting?' they haven't responded. So the night before, when you still haven't heard from them, you call. They don't answer and you leave a voicemail. A few minutes later, they text you (making you suspicious of screening) and they mention how they've been so busy, they haven't thought about it. So you end up going online and searching for a theater in the location they want. Giving them the information and having them be vague about a place and uncertain of a time. Not once will they mention what time is best for them. They let you pick, to be polite, you suppose. So you pick a location that is better for you and times that you prefer. Eventually, plans are made and the day moves on. Until the afternoon, when they text you to let you know that they're having a drama filled day and aren't sure about the movie, but they'll keep you posted.
It's time to leave and you haven't heard anything from them, so you assume all is well and they are going. 30 minutes before the movie is supposed to start, you get a text, which you don't read because you are driving to the theater. When you get to the theater, 20 minutes early, because you are a person who gets to movies early, you read the text. They have cancelled. Sorry!
Ahh yes. Now you remember why you don't talk to them more... they're a yucky person. They ask you to go out with them, they make you plan the date, and then they cancel short notice so you can't really do anything about it. You try to keep events like this in mind, you try to remind yourself that you should have expected this. It is not the first time. Unfortunatly, you tend to believe others act the way you would. You like to think that if someone couldn't make a certain time, they would mention it in the planning process instead of 30 minutes before you're supposed to meet them, because that's what a good friend would do. That is what you would do. That is not what they do.