Life resembling Art?

JD was trying to convince me that he purchased a flashlight for me. (He also tried to convince me that I lost the one he was theoretically replacing until he found the "lost" flashlight in one of his storage drawers.) I tried to explain to him that him buying a flashlight that I can use is not him buying me a flashlight. #1 because I don't want a flashlight. #2 because neither me nor the house needs another flashlight. #3 because it's not for me; it's for him.

There's an episode of The Simpsons where Homer buys Marge a bowling ball for her birthday. The ball is weighted for Homer, has finger holes to fit is sausage hands, and is engraved "Homer." She gets angry and to spite him, learns to bowl. And then considers having an affair with her bowling coach Jacques.

90% of my life can be summed up by an episode of The Simpsons.

Now that you mention it

I don't wear a lot of make-up. I wear it to work, when I work, but I'm not totally upset if I forget to put it on that day. I own a transparent face powder and mascara. For the occasional wedding, I add some eyeshadow I purchased in high school.

Freshman year of college, I was friends with a girl whose step-mom sold some brand of make-up for a living. So we had a make-up party. Only 6 people went, but we each got mini-make-overs which I thought was cool considering I spent a good portion of my junior high/high school years trying to convince my mom that I was old enough to wear foundation and glitter eyeshadow wasn't specifically for strippers and hookers.

--Side story: one time we were in Fashion Bug getting me an outfit for a field trip or picture day or something because I went to a Catholic school and owned nothing but hand-me-downs from my brother and strangers until I went to public high school. And at the check out was this 7 year old: eyes covered in glitter. I looked at my mom and asked her if she thought the little girl was a prostitute. She didn't think it was funny and STILL didn't let me wear glitter eyeshadow. Which probably explains why I was covered in spray glitter for every single high school dance. It's just so fancy and classy, right?--

OK so we're getting these make-overs in the basement of one of the dorms and this woman is telling us about the products. Someone asked about whether or not the product would make them breakout because they had sensitive skin. I will never forget; this saleswoman said that make-up actually clarifies your face because it brings all the impurities to the surface and pulls them out of your pores to be washed away.
I'm no dermatologist, but this seemed a little bullshitty. I'm a skeptic. I follow logic and reason. Her step-daughter only wore this make-up and fully believed it would clear up her skin, so I kept an eye on her acne for, like, 3 years. It never cleared up.

Take that Mary Kay!

Low moments

I'm watching True Life: I Have Another Life on the Web. One of the supporting people said this:
"You're gonna fail sometimes. That's why they call it The Right One not The Right Twenty." Pretty much the only decent thing ever to be said by a woman smoking and wearing a tie-dyed shirt.

This morning, I played with Radar in the basement and then let her outside. Unfortunately, she didn't "wait" and made a run for it out the door. Sigh. Knowing if she thinks she can get away with it, she'll continue the unwanted behavior, I went outside to bring her in. In sweat pants and flip flops.... on the frosted grass. Obviously, she thought we were playing and ran around like a crazy person. I like to step on the cord and track her so she can only get so far. It's a method. A method that may not be meant for flip flops and slippery grass. The cord slipped, the dog continued to run, I may or may not have been tied up like some sort of livestock. People were walking on the path. I could totally see them watching and judging. "Oh, look at her. She can't train dogs. That dog has so much uncontrolled energy. They are nothing like me and my medium-sized-dog-who-walks-without-a-leash-and-never-jumps-or-attacks-anyone."

That's what their judging eyes always say.

I mean, I started to cry. Partially because the cord cut my foot and it REALLY hurt, partially because I felt like I did when I was a child and people would make fun of me. "Why you hittin' yourself? Why don't you stop tickling yourself? EVERYBODY HATES YOU!"

I was shamed by a mutt.

P.S. OHMYGODIHAVEANINTERVIEWTOMORROWIHOPEIDON'TCRYDURRINGIT.

Amazon or Psychic?

My mom LOVES Amazon.com. It's cute. She likes to go there and buy books. She likes that when she goes to "double-you double-you double-you dot amazon dot com" it says, "Welcome, DO!" I've always found it endearing. I, too, find Amazon to be the most amazing thing ever because you can buy books for $.75, spend $3 on shipping, and receive everything within 2 weeks. Less if you find an awesome seller which I am willing to search for.

But that's not my point. My point is, Amazon has scared me and I don't know how they haven't been connected to a Criminal Minds episode yet. Sometimes while I'm on the site, I like to click the "Recommended" button to see what's awesome. This is what Amazon thinks I will like:
1. A book by Lorrie Moore
2. 2012
3. Hurt Locker
4. Zombieland

Or, as I saw it:
1. Book I'm reading
2. - 4. Movies we rented in the last 7 days.

(OK I'm KIND OF lying. I am reading a book by Lorrie Moore, but not the one they recommended. And JD and I didn't rent 2012, but it's been on the list.) But it begs the question: Is Amazon connected to the Family Video?

After that, I scrolled up to see what other strange predictions Amazon could give me. It asked me to rate Star Trek which I purchased for JD for Christmas. Underneath was a button that said "Items you own (7)" And I realized Amazon is tracking my purchases.

Which seems pretty obvious to the frequent user who already knew that, but for some reason I thought the "Recommended" button linked you to stuff you had recently looked at and like items. I find it strange that there's a me in a virtual Amazon store who has a shopping cart and a wish list and when she goes to the check out, they ask her how she liked that $.50 copy of Slaughterhouse--Five and would she like to purchase the 17 books on her wish list? "You can do the quick check ouuuutttt" it taunts.

I'm intrigued, really. So I scrolled up some more and there were more recommendations. Except this time they included unlike items.

OHMYGOD IS THAT A PREGNANCY TEST?! I DON'T WANT FERTILE CERVICAL MUCUS!!! I find the combination off-putting. A woman trying to get pregnant wants an ab roller and the Transformers movie? Unlikely, Amazon, unlikely. That's only page 1 of 35, people. Whatever math-problem/science-experiment Amazon is using doesn't seem to be cross checking it's data.

Although, on page 7, there's a sweet combo of psychology, psycho-pharm, social behavior books, that new James Bond movie, and an alarm sounding door jam. For the intelligentista who wants to moonlight as a ninja.

There's a fact-checker somewhere in Japan waiting to be fired.

How much do Bubbes make a year?

I WISH I was Jewish. I was always intimidated by bread because it takes so much time and muscle. JD's mom bought him a KitchenAid mixer for Christmas, and I freaking love it. It does... oh... all the work.

BTW, that's my first Challah. I only made one despite the recipes that wanted me to use 10 cups of flour. You can have some; just watch out for the aluminum foil bits I couldn't scrape off.

B(re)aking bread

Something I think is unbelievably arrogant and lame: People who quote themselves.
Offenders: Geoffrey Fieger. Some blog I found on accident which influenced me to write this.
The Blog Lady I found literally wrote something "inspirational" and then wrote her name underneath it. It was lame.
Fieger Law.. Oh. I hate Geoffrey Fieger. An unnecessary amount for an unnecessary reason. In his commercials, he quotes "If you don't stand for something, you end up standing for nothing." This general theme is quoted from Alex Hamilton:"Those who stand for nothing, fall for anything," and Aaron Tippin: "You've got to stand or something, or you'll fall for anything." Geoff's sounds bad. "You end up standing for nothing"

You can call him to represent you in a court of law, you know.

I keep seeing commericals to sell "Mark" and also job postings for Avon. I can only imagine trying to sell make-up. It would probably be like every fund raiser I've ever done where I end up buying the whole thing myself and potentially eating 20 boxes of Girl Scout cookies.

When Avon starts to sell Girl Scout Cookies, I'll sign up.

I'll be faster than Lance Armstrong in no time

Yesterday, I biked a marathon. I should have done it today since yesterday had amazing weather and today is fairly depressing. It took me over an hour and a half, which pales in comparison to the Biggest Loser times. I don't have any reasons or excuses. Except maybe these: I have not been training athletically for 2 months; I was not riding the bike for $10,000. (I'm just sayin')

In other news, I'm a fabulous cook. You don't even know. My next project will be Wonton Tacos. They'll be better than Applebees, I guarantee.